Lolcron of Zero
by Iceblocks
Summary: My answer to the Necron Familiar Challenge! Louise summons a rather confused Necron Lord to be her Familiar. DEAD.
1. Arrival

Hello, this is my attempt at the Necron familiar challenge. I decided to go with a Necron Lord due to the "for want of a nail factor". Please note that English is not my mother tongue so the grammar might be a bit odd. Also note that I am using the Dawn of War Necron Lord as a model, so excuse any inaccuracies with the tabletop game.

PS: Most of it is shamelessly copied from Madork Gunna's **Necron Familiar Callenge**.

Disclaimer: I do not own Warhammer 40k, Familiar of Zero or anything associated with the two of them

**STORY START**

_Unknown world. _

The Necron Lord was... annoyed. It had just been reduced to a pair of slightly scorched legs and a somewhat bigger pile of molten slag by a bolt of Warp sorcery by a Changer of Ways, which, while in itself merely an annoyance, kept it from avoiding the rapidly expanding warp portal that was growing closer and closer while the Necron Lord reformed itself. As it was making the finishing touches on its armor it was already sent hurling trough the Warp.

_Unknown City_

Landing on a rooftop in a strange city, the Necron Lord connected itself to the planetwide network available. It had only gotten a short distance through "4" when things started to go wrong. The imageboard the ancient war machine was currently browsing burned several...distubing things into its data core, leaving it to desperately struggle for control over its own body.

As the slogan of the yellow armored super soldiers endlessly repeated itself the flailing necron fell off the roof. Pushing one of the staring locals away, it promptly stumbled through a green portal adorned with a five-pointed star in a circle.

_Tristain Academy of Magic_

"Pentagon of the five elemental powers, heed my summoning...and bring forth my familiar!"

**BOOM**

The small, pink-haired girl stared nervously at the smoking crater...for a few seconds before something that looked like a big, malfunctioning golem leapt out of the crater and danced jerkily around before collapsing.

After a few seconds of silence the laughing began.

"A broken golem, Valliere?"

"You really are Louise the Zero!"

The old man in charge of the summoning ceremony stepped forward "Lousie de la Valliere, you-" he was interrupted, however, by the "broken" golem slamming its strange staff(spear?) into the ground and hoisting itself up. There was nothing clumsy about it this time.

_A little earlier_

The Necron Lord was confused as it lay there on the ground. The strange data it had picked up from that... horrifying place had burned away some of its programming, specifically the C'tan loyalty programming.

It now remembered things. Things from before it/he had his soul stuffed into the prison that was its/his necrodermis body.

Like his name.

"_Lol, can you watch your sister while me and your father visit the neighbours?"_

"_Welcome, kid! Lol, was it? Let's get you introduced to your new coworkers!"_

"_They are sounding the retreat! What are you standing there for? He is dead, Lol, leave him!"_

"_Lol, are you sure about this? We can't be certain that the C'tan will keep their end of the bargain"_

With those old memories, forgotten for millions of years, rushing through its mind the Necron Lord came to a decision.

Its name was now... Lolcron.

_Back now_

Louise felt like fainting. This... thing was her familiar? When it came through the portal is was hard to see clearly due to all the dust, hiding just how big the thing was compared to herself.

It was made of some sort of metal with strange green symbols scattered across its frame. It was shaped like a human skeleton, leaving the skull-like head to survey the hall. The golem looked like a metal statue of the Grim Reaper, ready to reap its harvest from those gathered before it.

Forcing her feet to move, she slowly approached the golem. Its gaze shifted towards her as she came closer, almost... confused. She would have giggled if it hadn't been her that stood before it. Rapidly gesturing towards herself, she leaned in and kissed it on the cheek as it complied.

Lolcron was confused again. The little human had walked up to it/him and... kissed it/him? Why? Was it an act of worship? He couldn't be on a planet with regular imperial contact, for the other humans didn't show anything but nervous curiosity and-.

The readings from its/his right arm went berserk as a strange light began tattooing it. Dropping the Staff of Light it readied itself to rip the limb off if necessary. It could easily regenerate it- oh wait it's done already.

After staring at the symbols at its arm for a few seconds it gestured with its right hand, making the SoL fly back into its hand. Getting ready to stab the offending creature with its futile little sneak attack and-.

It froze.

Louise struggled to remain standing as the golem reared up to attack her, only to suddenly stop, making professor Colbert slowly lowering his wand as it did the same with that strange weapon of its. Then something really weird happened.

It took a few steps with its weapon in hand before dropping it and walking a few steps around it. Then it picked up its weapon and repeated the procedure. After a few seconds Louise understood why, when it had the weapon in hand, it practically glided across the ground, while without it it was `merely` much faster than most golems. Was it exploring the effect the familiar runes had on it? No golem were that smart!

After a few minutes of testing the golem did something that shocked the entire hall.

It spoke.

In a voice that sounded like a mix of metallic scraping and a death rattle it spoke.

"**Query:** Where am I? What just happened? Who are you? **Statement: **Answer or die, Meatbags"

**STORY END**

Note: this fic will have be Very irregularly updated, if at all.

Sorry, Madork Gunna for copying so much from your initial challenge.


	2. Familiar

First i would like to thank everyone who reviewed, both for the compliments and, most importantly, for pointing out some of my errors.

As part of the challenge, the gory death will be either Fouquet or Wardes, possibly both.

On another note: Which three artifacts will Lolcron have? I am considering the Phase shifter, the Lightning Field and the Phylactery, but that build might be a little overpowered.

(I am using the Dawn of war version so it might not be in line with the tabletop game, google `**relicwiki necron lord**` for more info)

Disclaimer: I do** not** own Warhammer 40k, Familiar of Zero or any media associated with the two of them.

STORY START

The silence was deafening, a golem that were not only intelligent enough that it could figure out the function of its familiar runes, or even function without guidance, but it was also capable of speech!

"This," began professor Colbert, who had raised his wand again after the strange golem started to talk, "is the Tristain Academy of Magic, what happened to you was the familiar runes being inscribed, and lastly-"

"**Query**: Familiar runes?" said the golem. "Demanding clarification, Meatbag"

Frowning at the somewhat... odd nickname, the old man answered. "The familiar runes are a symbol of the familiar contract between a mage and the being he or she summons, a bond broken only by death" The Professor paused to see if he had gotten a reaction. When the golem remained silent, he kept on.

"And to answer your final question: Ms. Valliere, if you would?"

The girl in question was startled out of her shock. "W-wha? Of course Mr. Colbert!" Louise drew herself to her, rather miniscule, height. "I am Louise de La Valliere, a second year student at this academy!"

_POV change_

Lolcron was, as was apparently becoming a habit now, confused. An academy of magic? None of the humans present were warp-sensitive! However... it/him got some weird readings from the crowd, and all of them had some sort of creature sticking close by them, other familiars perhaps? It/he had to investigate further.

On a more important note: What to do with the girl? She seemed to be disturbed by his continued silence, nervously casting glances towards the old human, the surrounding crowd, and finally back at the necron.

"Y-you are my familiar!" the girl had apparently regained her composure, as she continued her bluster at it/him. "I am your master!"

At this Lolcron's eyes shot towards the runes, and back to the little human.

"**Query: **Why? I have no incentive to serve a meatbag, my former masters were bad-" an idea hit it/him.

_POV change_

Louise's brain had gone into overdrive as soon as the golem asked `why`. As such, she nearly missed it when it stopped mid-sentence, the crowd around them tensing had been her only warning.

"**Revised Opinion:" **What? "I will serve the little meatbag until the end of her life, is that acceptable?"

She narrowed her eyes. The thing had been totally against it just seconds ago! "And what exactly made you `revise your opinion`?"

The golem looked down on her, and even while its `face` was blank it radiated with... satisfaction! The thing was being _smug_ of all things!

"**Statement: **You will die one day, and to me that day will come relatively soon, which means that I will be free do whatever I want afterward. One human's lifetime is... not that long at all."

Louise swallowed. She had noticed that the golem had some sort of aura of... `oldness`, but the only golems meant to last that long were much bigger and a lot less advanced. Their orders had to be simple, like, "guard this place" or "maintain this building" for the instructions to not simply fade away when its creator left it to its work.

Forcing her voice to remain calm, she answered the strange golem. "Very well, follow me"

_Later_

After registering her familiar and finishing her classes, Louise went back to her room.

As she shuffled through the hallways Louise was fighting emotions like dizziness and similar. It hadn't gone like expected, but she had summoned a familiar! She had done real magic! Louise had both longed for and dreaded this day. Longed for the day she would get her own familiar, and dreading the possibility that she wouldn't summon anything at all.

One thing, however, bothered her. The familiar one summoned was supposed to reflect its masters elemental talent, but a sentient golem... did that mean she had a talent for Earth Magic?

As the two of them entered through the door to her room, passing the last of the staring students in the hallway, Louise spoke.

"Familiar."

"**Query: **Yes, Meatbag?" it answered, its voice still no different from the deathly, metallic rasping it first addressed her with.

"Do... do you have a name?"

It remained silent for a few seconds. Staring... contemplatively down at her. She wasn't sure how she knew, a part of the familiar bond she supposed.

"Lolcron."

Shaking herself out of her thoughts, Louise responded as best she could. "W-what?"

"**Repeated Statement: **My name is Lolcron, Meatbag."

Grinding her teeth together, Louise gestured towards the door. "Close the door, familiar"

_POV change_

Lolcron stood before its/his master, who was sitting cross-legged at her bed, scowling at it/him.

"Why don't you tell me more about yourself?" she began. "Where did you come from?" She didn't recognize the style or the material the golem was made of, it had to come from somewhere far away.

Bringing up the relevant memories from its/his data-core, Lolcron explained. "**Exposition: **The humans called it `Pandricus IV`, I and my kind had just awoken when it was invaded."

"Invaded?" The Meatbag interrupted. "You fought in a war?"

"**Statement: **I have fought in several wars." it/he allowed its/his master to digest this for a few seconds before continuing. "**Exposition, Cont: **An enemy magic-user managed to damage me and-"

"Was that why you were dancing around?" The Meatbag interrupted. She really needed to stop. Doing. That. It was extremely annoying.

"**Statement: **Negative, Meatbag, the damage merely prevented me from avoiding an out of control portal. At the other end I suffered an... accident, that left me in the state you first saw me in"

She seemed to accept this. Well, before she started frowning again. "Could you stop doing that?"

Lolcron tilted its/his head. "**Query: **Doing what, Meatbag?"

She began to shake her fists at it/him. "That! Stop calling me `Meatbag`!"

"**Query: **Do I have to?"

"Yes!" Confident due to her minor victory, the mea-, the Master continued. "And stop starting your sentences with `query` and `statement`-" mimicking its/his voice, she made an odd gesture with hr fingers. "- and things like that!"

"**Statement:**" it/he began. "NEVER, MEATBAG!"

**STORY END**

**Author's Notes:**

First I would like to ask everyone something: what to do with Derflinger? Lolcron already has a weapon, so I'm not sure how to write our favorite talking sword into the story.

Ideas:

1. Lolcron gets Derflinger as a side weapon

gets intregated into the Staff of Light

is simply left out of the story (not too keen on this one)

Secondly some clarifications:

A rather embarrassing mistake in the first paragraph in chap 1. : I meant Lord of Change(greater daemon of Tzeentch), not Changer of Ways(Tzeentch itself)

The yellow super soldiers were the Angry Marines, brought by Lolcron's contact with .

Thanks for reading!


	3. Meeting

Before we begin, answer time!

Lolcron's wargear: Fully upgraded Staff of Light and death grip

Lolcrons Artifacts: Phylactery and a slightly damaged Phase Shifter.

(I was considering the Chronometron, but as amusing as Lolcron going "ZA WARUDO" would be, it would just be too overpowered, perhaps when the VS elf fight rolls around)

Damage: As I wrote above, Lolcron's phase shifter is damaged, and some more... subtle systems have also suffered currently unrepairable damage. One of them reduces the effectiveness of the Staff of Light, can you guess which one?

Also: For those of you who can guess which fight i plan to use the Phase Shifter in, and how i plan to use it, there will be cookies.

Disclaimer: I do _**not**_own Warhammer 40k, Familiar of Zero, or any media associated with the two of them.

STORY START

Louise was, as was rapidly becoming the standard, frustrated. That insolent golem refused to act like a proper familiar! It had to be the fact that it was sentient, she thought as she glared at it. It would have its own agenda...

"**Query: **Master?" At least it was calling her `Master` now.

She massaged her forehead. "Yes, Lolcron?" She might as well return the favor. Even if she could use magic, the golem was fast enough that it could have her impaled on that staff of its before she could have her wand out.

"**Query: **What will my function as your familiar be?" It stared unblinkingly down at her, those green eyes never leaving her face.

Straightening herself up, the noble girl readied herself for lecturing. "A mage is supposed to be able to look through his or her familiars eyes-"

"**Query: **Does it work?"

She averted her eyes. "No, I tried to when I registered you, but I couldn't see anything." Straightening, she glared up at her familiar again. "A familiar also retrieves reagents for their master! Reagents are catalysts for certain spells," She explained. "do you know anything about that?"

Shrugging, the golem shook its head. "**Statement: **Negative. **Suggestion: **Locate a store and threaten the meatbag in charge until-"

"No!" Louise shouted. "You are not going to rob anyone!"

"**Revised Suggestion:** We locate a store and pay for the reagents in question."

"But anyone can do that! A familiar is supposed to find them on its own!" Shaking her head in resignation, she cursed her luck.

Undressing herself, she adressed her golem again. "Familiar," she began. "Make sure my clothes are-" She stopped herself, it felt wrong to ask a golem to wash clothing, especially one that was as... old as her own was.

Besides, did she really want those cold, clawed, metal hands anywhere near her soft, fleshy body?

"Forget it!" She hastily corrected herself. "Go fetch me a servant!"

The few students left in the hallways shied away as Lolcron stalked the corridors in search of a member of the household staff. Its/his master had been kind enough to describe the uniform they wore, but other nobles had managed to grab them before it/he got hold of one.

He found an unclaimed one cleaning the vases a few floors below its/his master's room. The female meatbag made a ridiculous amount of noise as it/he grabbed her by the waist and slung her across its/his shoulder.

The sight grew quite a lot of eyes, but the few who interfered were swiftly informed that it/he was merely following order from its/his master. Though pulling a part of the walls free and crushing it in its/his hand may have helped discourage them.

_Louise's room_

The servant (named Siesta, apparently), calmed down when it/he put her down in front of its/his master, who explained the situation to the frightened maid, though she still refused to look at it/him.

"**Query: **Will that be all, Master?"

Louise nodded. "Yes," she turned towards the servant girl. "Wash these, I will expect my clothes cleaned and ready for me when I wake up. Make sure to be there as well, commoner"

Observing Siesta for a few seconds, Lolcron turned its/his attention to its/his master. "**Query: **May I familiarize myself with the castle while you sleep?" She considered this for a minute before she answered. "Just as long you wake me up at dawn, got it? Ensure that the maid is present as well."

Affirming its/his master's order, Lolcron left the room and shut the door behind it/him.

_Outside _

The necron lord had mapped the first few floors directly above and below its/his master's bedroom and was now exploring the courtyard between the tower and the walls of Tristain Academy.

Making note of a pair of meatbags who were apparently engaging in some sort of mating ritual involving food, it/he was almost around the corner when the male called out to it/him. "You there! Golem! Aren't you the one that Louise summoned? The one that can talk?"

He seemed to recognize it/him, thought Lolcron as it/he reviewed its/his memory bank. Accessing the relevant memories, it/he found the meatbag in question among the crowd when it/he was first summoned. A big, ratlike thing picking at the earth beside him.

Bringing its/his attention back to the present, Lolcron regarded the meatbag. He was blonde, slim and wore a black coat with a white, frilly shirt under it. The female on the other hand wore something similar to the garments its/his master wore, only with a brown cloak instead of a black one.

"**Statement: **Correct, Meatbag. **Query: **What do you want?" The male began to glower at the nickname, but he swiftly calmed himself as curiosity (and the need to impress the girl still sitting on the bench) overwhelmed irritation.

"I, Guiche the Bronze, was considering giving invitation to join me for a discussion someday. As a golem user myself I thought that speaking to a sentient golem of your obvious age would be most- hey! Get back here!"

In the middle of this... `Guiche`'s little speech Lolcron had begun to walk away, having lost all interest with the meatbag when he failed to get to the point. It/he halted, and began to answer the noble. "**Statement: **You fail to interest me, Meatbag. Your invitation is declined"

Snorting with barely restrained disdain, the meatbag struck some sort of... _pose _for the female. "How rude! I almost pity the Zero for summoning something like you, no matter how good a golem you are."

Turning fully around, Lolcron felt oddly... annoyed? "**Statement: **I am far superior to that dirt-wallowing meatbag of yours."

Guiche was shaking with rage now, his pleasant shell utterly shattered as he pointed the oddly long-stemmed rose at Lolcron. "How dare you! My lovely Verthandi is-!" He stopped, however, as the girl grabbed his arm and said something to him about `no fighting` and `our night`.

Lowering the Staff of Light when it was obvious that Guiche had, for now, completely forgotten the fight, Lolcron left the two meatbags to their business. It felt odd, it/he mused, to not simply kill everything within range at the flip of a coin.

_Louise's room_

When Lolcron returned to its/his master's room, Louise was fast asleep. The necron lord glanced towards her before it/he sat down beside the bed, staring at the girl's sleeping form as it/he awaited the dawn.

STORY END

And that makes three!

I had some problems with this chapter, mostly the meeting with Guiche.

Also: thanks to whoever reviewed, you are a great help!

Special thanks goes to the one who gave me a hint with the formatting: Thank you!

And last but not least: It is decided! Derflinger will make an appearance as Locron's off-hand weapon! :)


	4. Day

First, i would like to thank everyone who reviewed before we begin.

Second: Lolcron will not be completely unstoppable as some of his internal systems are currently damaged. If you can guess which systems are damaged, and how and when I plan to use the Phase Shifter, please post your guess in a review. There will be cookies.

(Hint: one of the damaged systems will make the Staff of Light less effective.)

Louise haven't questioned Lolcron yet because she is assuming that it/he is just a very advanced golem.

Lastly: Lolcron does not act like a normal necron lord because it/he came into contact with , which removed the c'tan programming and allowed him to revert to being `merely` a robotic sociopath with vague memories of who he used to be (and because I suck at writing characters)

(Also, writing it/him as a mix of HK-47 and Shale(from Dragon Age) just fits)

Disclaimer: I do _**not**_ own Warhammer 40k, Familiar of Zero, or any media associated with the two of them.

STORY START

Louise awoke to a cold, hard hand shaking her awake. "**Statement:**" a raspy, metallic voice said to her. "Wake up Meatba- Master, it is time."

After letting out a giant yawn, the girl glanced sleepily around the room. Lolcron, her familiar, stood beside her bed, still as a statue and just as warm and friendly. Behind the sentient golem stood Siesta, the maid from last night, ready with Louise's freshly cleaned clothes.

Mumbling something indecipherable, the young mage practically fell out of her bed before she gestured siesta towards herself, letting the maid begin to dress her as Lolcron remained where it stood.

Forcing herself towards something that neared consciousness, Louise sleepily mumbled an order to her familiar, the golem was scaring Siesta and the maid's hands were fumbling with Louise's clothes. And by making it stand outside the door she wouldn't have to feel that lifeless, unblinking stare on her body anymore than necessary.

_Hallway outside Louise's room_

Leaving its/his master's room, Lolcron faced the three wooden doors just outside of it, just in time for a tall, red-haired meatbag to walk through one of them. She was much taller than Lolcron's master, and walked with a sense of... confidence its/his master lacked.

She immediately noticed the necron, and began to head in its/his direction. When she was near enough to touch it/him, however, the master stepped outside her room.

The redhead grinned before cheerfully greeting her. "Good morning, Louise"

Frowning, the master answered the greeting with a much less enthusiastic one. "Good morning," She paused to glare at the redheaded meatbag. "...Kirche"

Noticing its/his master's discomfort, Lolcron readied its/his weapon protocols. Internally, of course. No need to worry the master, the surprise would be much more fun if she didn't expect anything.

As if suddenly becoming aware that beings other than Louise and herself existed, this `Kirche` turned towards Lolcron. "This is your familiar, isn't it?"

"Yes"

Looking Lolcron up and down, Kirche stared thoughtfully at it/him for a second. She addressed Louise again. "Impressive, for a golem that is. Can it really talk?"

Glancing towards it/him, Louise gave Lolcron her second order for the day. "Talk to her, familiar"

"**Statement: **I am perfectly capable of speech, meatbag"

Mock-gasping in delight, Kirche clapped her hands. "So it can talk! I summoned a familiar yesterday, too. And unlike you, I managed to summon it on my first try." She completely ignored the nickname in favor of teasing Louise.

Struggling to keep her composure, Louise answered through gritted teeth. "Really?"

Nodding proudly, Kirche gestured towards her room. "Yes! Come out, Flame!" She called, and a large, red-scaled reptile walked out of her room. It was about the size of a small tiger, and its very presence appeared to raise the temperature around it. It glared somewhat uneasily at Lolcron before it pointedly ignored them all.

Also, for some reason its tail was on fire.

"A salamander from the Fire Dragon Mountains!" Kirche declared. "It fits my affinity perfectly! As a fire mage, I, Kirche the Ardent, couldn't have asked for better!" Glancing towards Lolcron, she continued. "Hmmmm... you summoned a golem, does that mean you are of the earth affinity?"

Shaking her head, Louise answered bitterly. "I don't know Kir-"

"Well then, see you all later!" Tossing her hair, Kirche left Louise with her familiar, the salamander waddling behind the redhead. Behind them Siesta took the opportunity to escape while they were distracted.

Lolcron suddenly spoke up. "**Statement: **Master, just give the command and the meatbag will have an unfortunate accident involving her, a large piece of masonry, an open window, and my staff. "

Shocked, Louise whirled around to stare at her familiar. "No!" she screamed before she pulled her wand at it. "_Silence!"_ she chanted, hoping that this time the spell would finally work.

Lolcron simply stared at the wand, as if wondering how a small piece of wood could possibly harm it, before the explosion fully obscured its form.

Lolcron shook the small pieces of rock away from its/his frame. It/he had sensed... something in the explosion, but what?"

"**Statement:** The magic you just used was much different from the magic I am used to. **Also:** that explosion was very loud."

"Shut up!" Shouted Louise. The little female was gritting her teeth as she began to pound at Lolcron's frame with her tiny little fists. "It didn't work! It was supposed to shut you up!"

"**Query: **It wasn't an attack?" Lolcron tilted its/his head. That explosion had actually managed to dent it/him! A little.

Glaring at it/him, Louise shook her head. "No, it was just another miscast." Sighing, she craned her head to look into its/his eyes. "They call me the Zero because I have no magical talent."

Bending its/his knee joints, Lolcron brought it-/himself to somewhere closer to its/his master's height. "**Statement: **You summoned me." It/he had accepted this meatbag as its/his master, she could at least act like it!

That seemed to focus her a bit. Nodding hesitantly, Louise grinned an arrogant, if slightly uneasy, smile. "That's right, familiar!"

And after a small rant about how she would become a real mage, Louise and Lolcron left for the dining hall.

_Classroom_

After eating (and showing Lolcron off to the other students), Louise brought her familiar to today's classes.

The classroom was filled with students and their familiars. Nothing that looked like Lolcron though, and the familiars closest to the strange golem seemed to shy away from it. The small ones, anyway. The larger ones, like Flame, gave it one uneasy glance before ignoring it.

A middle-aged woman in a purple robe entered through the door. "Hello everyone." She greeted the classroom. "You may call me Mrs. Chevreuse, and will be you teacher in the Earth element this year."

Scanning the classroom, Mrs. Chevreuse took in all of the summoned familiars. After commenting and congratulating the students on their summoning, she questioned a boy on the four elements.

The boy stood up. "Yes, Mrs. Chevreuse. The four elements human mages use are Fire, Earth, Water and Wind."

Nodding, Mrs. Chevreuse began her lecture. "As young Malicorne just told us, humans can use four different elements. Combined with the lost element of `Void`, that means five elements in total."

Her lecture consisted mostly of the virtues of the Earth element, but Louise forced herself to pay attention. She had summoned Lolcron, a golem. She might have awoken a talent for the Earth element.

Which was why she volunteered when Mrs. Chevreuse asked for someone to change a few pebbles into a metal of the volunteer's own choice.

Ignoring protests along the lines of "Not the Zero!" and "Don't, Valliere!" Louise took her place at the table.

Silencing her students with a raised hand, Mrs. Chevreuse asked "How exactly is this dangerous?"

"This is the first time you teach Louise, isn't it?" Answered Kirche, who had begun to inch behind her bench.

Drawing herself up, Mrs. Chevreuse replied "True, but I am told she is a hard worker." turning towards Louise, the teacher gestured encouragingly at the table. "Don't worry, dear. Just try to change the pebbles on the table to a metal of your choice."

Louise nodded, and began to chant at while waving her wand over the pebbles. At the end of the final phrase, however, the pebbles exploded in a bright, all-consuming flash.

After carrying its/his tattered master back to her room, Lolcron stood guard as she changed into a new set of clothes. The two of them had just finished cleaning the classroom ruined in Louise's miscast and she had ordered it/him to hurry so they wouldn't miss lunch.

"Lolcron?" Louise had just finished dressing herself, and was now staring at it/him.

"**Query: **Yes, Master?"

She was clenching her fists, Lolcron noted, and she seemed to be fighting sobs. "W-why-" It/he would have none of that. "Why didn't it work? I was so sure that with a golem familiar-" "**Statement:!**" exclaimed Lolcron with its/his loudspeakers at maximum volume, shocking Louise out of her trance of disappointment and sorrow.

Striding right up to her, Lolcron continued: "The sounds you make while sleeping reminds me of the sound a member of a ripper swarm makes when stepped upon."

It was a completely nonsensical statement, it had nothing to do with the situation at hand and it simply came out of nowhere, but it had stopped Louise's crying as the disappointment was quickly being overwhelmed by worry. "Y-you were watching me sleep!"

"**Statement:** Yes, I amused myself by counting how many times you took a breath during the night. **Also: **You seemed happy when you said something about `cattle` or something similar, the moans were quite disturbing. I was about to wake you up when the servant meatbag came in."

As far as Lolcron was concerned, the problem was solved. Its/his master wasn't shaking with sobs anymore. At the moment she was shaking with rage and humiliation instead, but to Lolcron, that was a completely different problem. It/he was confident that he could regenerate any damage it/he received from its/his master's spells.

It/he did, however, reconsider its/his stance when the subsequent explosion sent it/him crashing into the opposite wall.

STORY END

Well, nothing much happened in this chapter. That, and the last half felt a little rushed, and forced, and OOC. Forgive me? Please?

Anyway, next chapter is the obligatory Guiche fight, so if anyone wants to try to answer the questions on top of the page you'll have to do it before the next chapter comes out.

See you all next time!


	5. Duel

Hello again!

For those of you who wonder what Lolcron looks like, there is a link in my profile. Lolcron looks something like this, but without the mask.

Also: I am a little disappointed that no one tried to answer which internal systems were damaged, but there is always the Phase Shifter question. Come on. It's not that hard a question.

And without further ado: Here's the obligatory Guiche fight!

STORY START

After cheering up its/his master, Lolcron made its/his way beside her as she explained the basics of the magic used in this world. It was really annoying, it/he mused, to have to slow its/his stride so it/he didn't outpace her. Her legs barely went up to its/his knees!

Maybe if...

Lolcron suddenly stopped, startling Louise out of her thoughts, before it/he grabbed her and put her on its/his shoulder. Ignoring Louise's shouts and protests, the necron strode happily, and quickly, towards the dining hall.

_Dining Hall_

When the two of them arrived, Louise had sent Lolcron away to make a servant that wasn't doing anytthing fetch her a dessert, which was why it/he was stalking around in the dining hall looking for a member of the staff.

It was a testament to Siasta's poor luck that Lolcron found her with an empty tray on her way back to the kitchen.

When she became aware of it/him making its/his way purposefully towards her, however, she tried to make a run for it. Sprinting towards the Kitchen entrance, the maid hoped against hope that the metallic monster would find someone else to harass.

No such luck.

Lolcron bent down slightly, calculating its/his distance from the door and the meatbag's running speed, before it/he took off, its/his feet making gouges into the stone floor as it/he sped across the room. It/he ran past two meatbags on a bench, the male one rapidly twisting its head to follow Lolcron, before it clamped its/his left hand on the maid's shoulder.

Siesta froze as the cold hand stopped her in her tracks, and she barely made any resistance as it turned her around, utterly convinced that the thing was going to kill her.

"**Statement:**" it began, just like when it had first dragged her to its master's room last night. What did it want now?

"The Master demands dessert, fetch one at your first opportunity." Apparently having said its part, the golem made its way back towards its master. Her knees turning into jelly from the relief she felt, she almost didn't notice a blonde nobleman walking towards the departing golem.

Lolcron stared at Guiche. The meatbag from last night had suddenly placed himself in front of it/him, blocking its/his way back to its/his master. The female meatbag stood by the bench, a small amphibian in her hand and the furry little meatbag from the summoning waiting beside her.

It/he moved its/his attention back to Guiche as the meatbag flourished an oddly long-stemmed rose, it might as well have been a scepter from the way the meatbag held it. "We meet again, golem."

Ignoring him, Lolcron tried to make its/his way around Guiche, but he moved to block its/his path again. "I will not permit you to leave before I am finished with you!" The female moved to stand beside Guiche, placing a hand on his shoulder. The furry meatbag began to rub itself against Guiche's legs.

Tilting its/his head, Lolcron studied the two meatbags. Was this some kind of mating ritual? "**Query: **Is the meatbag in heat?" His eyes widening, Guiche took an involuntary step back, dragging the female with him. "W-what?"

Leaning closer, Lolcron continued. "**Statement:** You were engaging in one of your incomprehensible meatbag mating rituals with a female last night, now you are engaging in anther ritual with another female. **Query: **I repeat, are you in heat?"

Noting the meatbag's increasing perspiration rate, it/he watched as Guiche desperately tried to keep the female interested. She was apparently designated Montmorency, and she was on the verge of accepting his explaination when Lolcron found the other female.

Slipping away from the two meatbags, Lolcron strode towards the section of the table where the target and some other meatbags were engaging in conversation, which stopped, by the way, when Lolcron approached.

For some reason they fell silent when it/he stopped, looming above them, its/his eyes never leaving the target's. The gathered female meatbags were nervously looking from it/him to the Staff of Light, as if wondering what would happen if it ever made contact with their flesh.

Pointing at the target, Lolcron made its/his intentions known. "**Statement: **Come with me, meatbag." Not daring to refuse the female in the brown cape stood hurriedly up. Her friends were far too meek to follow her.

Guiche had apparently managed to calm this `Montmorency` down, and were the very image of contention and composure. Composure which instantly vanished as he saw Lolcron approaching with the female it/he found.

Lolcron stood on the sidelines while Guiche desperately tried to talk his way out of the situation. It/he was wondering if it/he should return to its/his master when Guiche stalked furiously towards it/him with a black eye.

Guiche brandished his rose like a sword. "I will not take this insult sitting down!" Confused, Lolcron tilted its/his head. "**Query: **Do you have hemorrhoids, meatbag?"

Making an enraged, strangled sound, Guiche began ranting at it/him, the rant ended with an odd, if welcome suprise. "-olem! You need to be thought a lesson in respect! I, Guiche de Gramont challenge you to a duel!"

Guiche appeared to hastily reconsider as Lolcron's left hand blurred, clamping around his throat in a death grip.

Louise had just finished her dessert and was wondering where her familiar had run off to when she heard the screams. `Louise's golem` was mentioned in almost all of them

Rushing towards the sounds, she broke through the gathered crowd. When she arrived she saw her familiar strangling Guiche, who was weakly beating on its arm. Guiche's own familiar was pointlessly gnawing on Lolcron's leg.

"Lolcron! Let him go!" she screamed, decorum and noble poise be damned.

Turning its head towards her, the strange golem dropped Guiche, leaving him wheezing on the stone floor. Montmorency and that first year, Katie, buried their rivalries to tend to him.

Having caught his breath after a few minutes of rest, Guiche turned towards Lolcron. "When I said `duel` I meant that we fight outside and begin when we both say we are ready!" Coughing, he turned towards Louise. "Despite this, my challenge still stands. Louise de la Valliere, will you allow me to duel your familiar?"

Louise felt at loss to what to do, she glanced at Lolcron, who nodded, and back to Guiche. "Accepted, when and where?" She just hoped this was the right thing to do.

The place and time was quickly decided.

The dueling ground, the Vestri Court. The time, sundown.

After the crowd left she turned towards Lolcron. "Why were you choking him? I know he asked you to fight him, but why choking?" Lolcron tilted its head, it seemed to be doing that quite often lately. "**Statement: **Spells require a verbal component. I did it to prevent a retaliatory strike."

Regretting ever telling her familiar about the magic they used at the academy, Louise led Lolcron towards the Vestri Court.

_Later, Vestri Court_

Guiche stood across from Valliere's familiar, the golem simply stared at him from its end of the court.

Moving to a ready position, he thought about what he knew of the strange golem.

Firstly: It was very, very fast. He had seen it earlier today when it ran past him. With that cruel-looking weapon of its it would be best to restrict its movements somehow.

Secondly: It could think. It might be as polite and tactful as a rockslide through a royal ball, and just as subtle, but it could think. It would learn from, adapt to and analyze him just as he would do the same to it.

Lastly: The weapon it carried. The familiar runes made it faster when it held that strange staff, but did the staff itself have any abilities? Someone with enough power to make a sentient golem wouldn't just hand it and ordinary weapon, would they?

Turning the information gathered in his around, he looked at it from several different angles. Satisfied with his conclusions he declared himself ready and conjured four golems of his own. Two on each side.

Crouching slightly, the golem replied. "**Statement:** I am also ready" Placing its staff parallel to the ground, Louise's familiar pointed it at him. Guiche tightened his grip on his wand, that rude piece of scrap metal would not catch him off-

His thoughts were interrupted when a green bolt leapt from its staff and headed straight towards him.

Lolcron watched passively as its/his attack disintegrated two of the blonde meatbag's metal dolls, eagerly awaiting the moment where it would finally shut the little annoyance up. Which was why it/he was extremely surprised when the green bolt streaked harmlessly past Guiche and left a large crater in the wall behind him.

What. The. Frak.

It/he fired another shot, obliterating another doll before it too slammed into the wall, having missed Guiche completely.

Lolcron ran a quick diagnostic check on its/his targeting systems, discovering that they were still reporting themselves fully operational. It/he fired a few more shots at the last doll, the one furthest away. Four shots missed, Lolcron's targeting systems claiming that all of them were perfectly aimed despite the fact that they guided its/his staff so it/he would miss. The fifth shot, however, was a direct hit.

This... this was an annoyance beyond anything the blonde, currently stammering meatbag could ever hope to be. Its/his phylactery couldn't repair this level of damage! He would have to... _aim manually_.

-Shudder-

"LOLCRON!"

_Meanwhile, on the Sidelines_

Louise watched in silent horror. Her face, and those of many of the other student were matching Guiche's perfectly as Louise's familiar unleashed that strange magical weapon at him. The only reason the blonde was even alive was because Lolcron had proven itself to be a ridiculously poor marksgolem.

"LOLCRON!"

It took her a second to realize that she had called out to her familiar. The golem turned around, and addressed her in its usual monotone. "**Query: **Yes master?"

Gathering her thoughts, Louise decided to lay down a few rules. "Lolcron, don't kill him!"

"**Query: **Maiming?"

"No!"

"**Query: **Traumatizing?"

"No! Nothing permanent!"

Having said her piece, Louise took a deep breath and stood back to watch Lolcron's reaction. There was just something wrong with a big, murderous golem looking like a kicked puppy. The analogy of a small child denied something it wanted was also appropriate. The green glow that came from both ends of its staff vanished, and it turned back towards Guiche.

"**Statement: **Understood."

Lolcron stared at Guiche, the meatbag struggling to regain his voice. "Y-y-y-y-y-you just tried to kill me!" The horrified blonde looked at his metal dolls, his teeth clenching.

Throwing his composure to the wind, the meatbag conjured forth eight new dolls before sending them all charging towards Lolcron.

It/he simply ignored them, getting its/his opponent to surrender was the only thing it/he really cared about now. However...

Lolcron regarded the approaching dolls, it/he might at least have some fun.

The first doll was backhanded into scrap metal.

-Step- Guiche twitched.

The second and third ones were bisected by the Staff of Light, both in a single swipe. Their halves maintaining their momentum as they sped past Lolcron.

-Step- Guiche narrowed his eyes.

Number four got a fist through its breast plate and was thrown into a fifth one, both of them flattening against the tower wall.

-Step- Guiche was getting worried. He made the last three dolls stand in a protective circle around him.

Lolcron sped up, running at full speed towards its/his opponent. At the last moment before the dolls could reach it/him it/he fired the bottom particle projector into the ground at their feet.

When the dust cleared, Lolcron stood between the dolls and its/his opponent, the Staff of Light at Guiche's throat.

"I..." began Guiche. _What the hell happened?_ He Lowered his head in resignation. "I yield."

Beside Kirche, a short, blue-haired girl opened her eyes. She had used her familiar's eyes to observe the duel, and seen several things the others had missed.

One: The staff (wand?) the golem carried lowered the temperature when it was firing.

Two: Using her familiar's eyes, she had clearly seen Guiche's golems simply pass through it like it was an illusion. Could it turn itself incorporeal? Or did it suddenly speed up, leaving an afterimage to the mercy of the golems?

The girl resolved to keep a close eye on Louise's familiar, an oath echoed by the two men on the balcony overlooking the court.

Louise led Lolcron back towards her room. It had won, her familiar had won!

When they arrived she ordered the golem to close the door. Turning towards it, she spoke. "I have been lax."

"**Query: **How so master?" Lolcron was crouching so she could look at its face without craning her neck, which she was very grateful for given her short stature.

"I should have done this the first moment I heard you speak." She continued. "Now tell me, what are you? Tell me now!"

STORY END

And cut!

These thing just t\keep getting longer, don't they? Still trying to work out an update schedule.

As you could see, Lolcron did use the phase shifter in this fight, but the time for it to be properly introduced will be another fight. The question of which one and how still stands if anyone want to guess it.

Up next, explanations ahoy!


	6. Talk

Welcome back!

This was very hard to write for me, mostly because i had to come up with an explanation of why Lolcron acts more human than it/he should.

As for the `essence of the Nightbringer` ability, it will probably be used at a later date, but Lolcron is too damaged to draw on the Nightbringer's power without taking massive damage it-/himself. Besides, how will the distance from the actual Nightbringer (Lolcron is in another universe), and the relative calm of the Warp in the zeroverse affect the small piece of the Nightbringer inside Lolcron?

As for teleporting, Lolcron does have the short range, two-shot-then-recharge teleport from Dawn of War, and the standard necron go-to-nearest-base-teleport. It won't be used very often, partly due to Lolcron's necron arrogance and belief that nothing can really harm it/him, despite evidence to the contrary.

Lastly, the death grip mentioned it chapter five was metaphorical, not the wargear.

STORY START

Louise glared up at her familiar, it was past time it told her about itself. Inwardly she cursed herself for a fool. She should have interrogated it the moment it started talking, but the events of that day had overwhelmed her.

"**Query: **What question do want answered first, master?"

"Don't `master` me, Lolcron!" she snapped at it. She had no patience with its attitude anymore. "What are you, really? Don't leave any details out like last time!"

"**Statement:**" it began. "I am a necron Lord, the necron were created by the C'tan to battle the Old Ones and their creations."

Louise boggled, her familiar was some sort of noble? "You are a lord?" It inclined its head. "**Statement: **Before you summoned me I was the Lord of the world the humans there called Pandricus IV."

"_YOU_ ruled an entire world!" Louise felt dizzy. What sort of people would think that putting Lolcron in charge of anything would be a good idea? It would be like placing a rabid bulldog in charge of a litter of kittens.

"**Statement:** I only ruled the necron that were stationed there, the meatbags settled above our tomb-cities while we slept. We awoke when the meatbags started fighting above us, and while we fought I was sent somewhere else, and then you summoned me." The golem- no, necron tilted its head, as if confused. **"Statement: **You are feeling unwell. **Query:** Do you have more questions?"

Swiftly recovering from her trance, Louise considered her options for a few seconds. She looked back towards Lolcron. "Who are the C-K-Katarn?"

"**Statement: **The _C'tan_" the necron stressed the pronunciation. "are gods of the material universe, they created us to fight the Old Ones for them as their army. There are only four of them left. Two of them are awake, one went insane and is sealed away, and the last one is asleep. Me and my forces worshiped the Nightbringer, the second strongest of the remaining C'tan and one of the ones that are awake." Lolcron trailed off, ending its tale on that note.

Louise shuddered, wondering what sort of beings would create things like Lolcron. They couldn't be real gods after all, they were not mentioned in any scriptures, and her familiar had said that they were `gods` of the earthly world.

Then again, no scripture said anything about creatures like Lolcron either.

"What about the Old Ones?" The question popped out of her mouth before she knew it. "**Statement: **The Old Ones were the greatest magicians who have ever existed. They shaped and walked between worlds at will, at a whim they created and destroyed gods made from the source of all magic, they dismissed magical artifacts that decided the life and death of stars, the suns of other worlds, as toys for children."

Lolcron leaned in closer, as if imparting some great secret to her. "When the C'tan made us and attacked, the Old Ones were slowly driven towards the edge of their empire. In their desperation they created the Krork and the Eldar to fight for them. These meatbags managed to somehow manifest their gods onto the material world, which managed to put the strongest of the C'tan to sleep and shattered the Nightbringer into uncountable pieces. Then the Old Ones vanished, the war ended, and we and our masters went to sleep."

She remained silent for a while, trying to get her head around the fact that her familiar had fought in a war that had spanned worlds, seen the creation of new races and witnessed the birth, battles and death of gods. On the other hand...

Louise glared up at Lolcron. "Are you lying to me, familiar? We would have felt the ripples in the magic had a war like that taken place."

/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\

Not bothering to explain that the Warp of this place was barely similar to the one where it/he came from, Lolcron dropped another bombshell on its/his tiny master. "Master, the war between the C'tan and the Old Ones took place millions of years before humans existed."

Waiting through its/his master's shocked silence, Lolcron reviewed the data it/he received from its/his diagnostics check. Some of the damage recognition software of the Phylactery was broken, taking its/his damaged state as being fully functional. The Phase Shifter was giving inconsistent reports about maximum phase duration, and the targeting system was completely fried.

Louise stayed silent for a few minutes, leaving the necron to its/his thoughts, before she began to speak again. "You are acting kinda human for a war golem older than the human race."

Lolcron placed its/his left hand in front of her face. "**Statement:** Correct. Since I came here I have been acting less and less like a necron. While the accident I had before you summoned me played part in it, most of the blame lies on these runes."

/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\

Louise stared at the runes. Those little things were the reason Lolcron acted more like a human than a golem? "How so?" She asked, confused.

Shrugging, the necron withdrew its hand. "**Statement: **These runes symbolize the contract we forged yesterday. The ritual bound a part of your very being to my own, this caused me to feel... echoes of emotions."

She tilted her head. "Echoes? You mean like, they're... distant or faint?"

"**Statement: **Correct, Master. This bond allows me to feel shades of any emotion you have ever felt. The contract also allows you to compel me to a certain extent."

Louise narrowed her eyes. Was it trying to lull her into a false sense of security? "You're lying. You wouldn't have told me that had I really been capable of forcing you to do anything."

/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\

Lolcron shoved the irritation aside and answered its/his master. "**Statement: **I told you because you are currently compelling me to answer your questions, Master. Just like you compelled me to follow your orders during the fight just now." Letting her consider this for a few seconds, the necron was rapidly considering various metaphorical escape hatches should she ask about-

"Lolcron, why did the C'tan and the Old Ones fight?"

Frak.

Hesitating for a brief second, this could get ugly, Lolcron answered. "**Statement: **The C'tan ate stars for sustenance and souls for pleasure, they enjoyed the souls of the Old Ones so much they created the necron and set them to harvest their souls for them.-"

Louise was steadily paling with every word. "-Me and my forces had stripped sixteen worlds of all life before the war ended and we were sent back into our tombs."

Lolcron's little master was shivering, hugging herself with one arm and clutching her bed in the other. After she had rambled a little about it not being possible, she looked unsteadily up at it/him. "A mage's familiar is supposed to reflect their master and the master's magic, you are a murderous, insane war golem," drawing herself up, she screamed the last part. "_WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME!_"

Lowering her head, Louise began to sob. "I-I have no talent for magic and my reflection is a mass-murdering, soulless golem, Zero indeed!"

She fell silent when Lolcron suddenly placed its/his plan on her shoulder.

"**Statement:** I believe you are quite powerful, Master." Sniffing, she looked back up at it/him. "You tried that `you summoned me` line earlier today, familiar."

Shaking its/his head, Lolcron continued. "**Statement: **You summoned me from quite a distance away, possibly from another universe entirely. Besides...

/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\

_Flashback_

_-Lolcron stumbled away from the crater it/he left in the street as the anomaly ate away at its/his data core._

_Pushing one of the staring locals aside, Lolcron stumbled into the strange portal the meatbag had almost been dragged into._

/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\

"-and that is how I got here, Master. I do not believe you could ever be like myself, your lifespan is too short." Louise stared in shock at her familiar. She had summoned it by accident! Shock was washed away by relief, Lolcron wasn't a reflection of herself!

Wait a minute.

"Why do you bother cheering me up?" She really wanted to know why a war golem would even bother with its master's emotional well being.

"**Statement: **You still have me under compulsion, Master. You really desired comfort, so I provided you with what I could give. Would you prefer it if I did this:"

Suddenly Lolcron's voice changed. Louise recognized it as Mrs. Chevreuse's. "Oh dear Louise, is something the matter?" It was a severely disturbing sight coming from the necron's `face`.

"**Query: **Do you wish for me to try more voices, Master?"

Shaking her head helplessly, Louise ordered Lolcron to find Siesta. She would have to make it semi-official that the maid was her personal servant or something, that would be much more convenient that sending Lolcron to go fetch her every night.

Sometime later, Louise was in her bed, Lolcron standing by the door. A part of her felt somewhat uneasy letting an admitted mass-murderer keep watch over her as she slept, but she squashed it. There was no reason for a mage to be scared of her own familiar!

In her dreams, however, she couldn't escape the sight of an army of Lolcron-like creatures descending on Tristain, leveling it in a storm of sickly green lightning.

STORY END

GOD! I hate this chapter! Only talking and nothing happening!

This was really hard to write, too much dialogue. Besides, it is really just a filler chapter that exist for the sole purpose of getting to something important.

On a more positive note, I hope this clears up any confusion about Lolcron's `human-ness`. A bit of an Ass Pull, I know.

Next time on Lolcron of Zero: Derflinger!


	7. Derflinger

Today on Lolcron of Zero:

First of all, i want to thank you for all the reviews. You're a great help.

Also, the sixteen worlds Lolcron mentioned was `just` the ones it/he directly or indirecly cleansed, not the total necron killcount.

Disclaimer: I do _**not**_ own Warhammer 40k, Familiar of Zero, or any media associated with the two of them. Now may i please have my cat back?

STORY START

"**Query: **Master, why are we visiting this little town? Do you need someone killed?" Louise had dragged Lolcron with her a few days after the explanation, saying something about `shopping trip`. Whatever that was, probably some strange meatbag thingy. It/he was walking alongside a horse Louise had borrowed from the academy.

Bristling, Louise turned towards Lolcron. "Little town? This is Tristain! The capital of this kingdom!" It/he stared down at her, didn't she realize just how little her civilization impressed it/him? "**Statement: **I have seen and destroyed cities that towered above the clouds while at the same time burrowing deep into the heart of the world, on said world there was nine cities like that. Their average population was about thirteen billion meatbags. In comparison, the C'tan would most likely simply ignore this world in favor of the one I just mentioned."

Paling, Louise turned away, staring at the rapidly approaching city. "And just when I had almost gotten over the fact that you are a genocidal monstrosity..." Shaking her head, she drove her borrowed horse towards a stable she knew. "We are here, familiar," she began, as if explaining things to a small child. "to get you to a professional metal polisher and a store that sells cloaks your size, you look like something that has been left in a closet and then buried for centuries!"

Looking down on itself, Lolcron saw that its/his little master was right, in a way. It/he was rather dirty, but nonetheless: "**Statement: **My cloak is supposed to look like this, master. It is made of threads of the same material the rest of me is made of, and therefore self-repairing."

Paying the stableboy, Louise looked at it/him doubtfully before sighing. "Very well, Lolcron. Do you have the money?" It/he patted the bag hanging from it/him by a strap that went around its/his shoulder. "**Statement: **All here, Master. Thieves will be dealt with accordingly."

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

Louise had dragged Lolcron to a shop where the staff had polished it to a sheen. Which promptly got ruined the moment they stepped through a dust cloud kicked up by a passing wagon.

It wouldn't have been so bad, she mused, if Lolcron hadn't chosen that moment to inform her that it possessed some sort of self-cleaning enchantment. When asked why it hadn't cleaned itself beforehand it simply said that the dirt didn't interfere with its function. Enraged, the girl had ordered it to clean itself at least once every two days. A dirty familiar spoke poorly of the master, after all.

That, and the wasted cleaning had cost her a lot of money. She shuddered at the thought of patronizing that establishment regularly.

She was shaken out of her thoughts when they passed a run-down weapon shop, and a voice called out. "Little girl! Behind you!"

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_Inside the shop_

Derflinger hung on its wall, completely bored out of its mind. There just wasn't anything to do in this place! The shopkeeper didn't want to talk to it, no one wanted to buy it and-

Hadn't it seen something like that thing that stalked after that little girl? Thinking back, Derflinger came upon the memory.

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_Derflinger's wielder and his companions had entered the strange cave that they had found with the assistance of another party of adventurers. They had just crossed the threshold of what appeared to be some sort of underground ruin when things got strange. The walls begun to glow a faint green, sometimes sending a stream of green sparks from where the wall had been rent asunder. Then they entered a massive chamber, and it all went wrong._

_Something stirred at the far end of the chamber, a strange, skeletal golem of some sort. It was about eight feet tall and covered in green lines. In its hands it held what appeared to be a mixture of a crossbow and a giant glass tube filled with green energy. The disaster began when it lowered the strange item at them, and vaporized a member of the other party._

_While it was promptly destroyed by a focused magical bombardment, dozens of others stepped out of the shadows. As the golems bore down upon them, they were assailed by the master of Derflinger's wielder, who blasted big holes in their lines. Yet still they came on. Even as their fellows were blown apart, they kept going, firing as they moved. Some of them simply put themselves together again and continued the attack._

_The order to form a defensive formation came from the old leader, and both groups formed a half-circle around the way they came. The mages among them maintained a shield that just barely held against the storm of green lightning, but it suddenly vanished at the right flank._

_Turning, the group that Derflinger's wielder belonged to witnessed six figures carrying strange halberds walking slowly towards them, magic vanishing around them. A spell fired from the old master dissipated before it could hit it, the thing not even noticing the attack as it kept slaughtering the other group._

"_RUN!"_

_The old master led his group out of the chamber, the remaining members of the second group running behind them. Derflinger's wielder took a cut to the arm as something flew out of the wall, claws outstretched. The offender simply flowed into the opposite wall while things that looked like the upper bodies of men attached to vertical slabs of metal overtook the stragglers, flying past them and cutting them off before killing them with that green lightning._

_The strange golems stopped pursuing when the survivors exited the buried building, instead appearing to inspect the opening before turning back. The hole simply flowing shut, leaving a seamless wall at the end of the cave._

_The old master turned towards his companions as they rested outside the cave. "We shall never speak of this place again, some things that are buried were never meant to be unearthed." Taking a deep breath, the old master turned towards a man with a set of runes on his forehead. "Myoznitnirn, seal the cave, make sure that any trace of it will be impossible to find."_

_Myzonitnirn moved to obey, sliding his hand over one of his fingers he held a ring up towards the cave, the earth and stone closing it so that no one would ever know there ever had been a cave there. The old master turned towards Derflinger's wielder. "We must keep this a secret, Gandalfr, if this becomes known, some fool will unleash those things upon the world."_

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_Now_

If only Derflinger could remember where that bloody cave was... it had forgotten so much and- this wasn't important right now! One of those things were right behind a little girl in the capital of Tristain!

"Little girl! Behind you!"

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_Outside the shop_

Louise turned towards the voice, what was behind her? Lolcron had already whirled around, ready to brutally murder whatever was threatening her. This gesture frightened the one rat that hadn't already left due to Lolcron's presence.

The voice had come from the weapon shop they stood in front of, the sweating, nervous shopkeeper exiting with a rusty sword in his arms. "Pardon, my lady," the man began. "it was Derflinger here, that called out to you." Presenting the sword to her, the man continued. "Please don't be offended, my lady, it doesn't know better."

Preparing to tear into the shopkeeper for thinking that he could insult her and then cover it up by pretending to be mad, Louise was caught totally unprepared for what happened next. The sword began to talk.

What was it with her and talking weapons lately?

"Like I said, look out! Behind you!" The sword's quillion moving like a mouth. "Are you stupid? Can't you see that thing behind you!" Drawing herself up at the first insult, Louise began to escalate the argument. "Who are you calling stupid you rude piece of rust! That is my familiar! A noble has no need to be frightened of their own familiar!"

Derflinger remained silent for a few seconds. "You summoned something like that? They didn't seen very friendly when I encountered them some time ago-" the sword was interrupted as Lolcron tore it out of the shopkeeper's grasp. "**Query: **Where? When? How did you find them? What did they-"

"Lolcron, stop it."

Lolcron turned towards her, a touch of... desperation echoing to her across the familiar bond, before it slowly, reluctantly, gave the sword back to the shopkeeper. "Lolcron here is my familiar." She said to the sword. "It won't harm anyone unless I say so."

An uncomfortable silence spread across the four of them before Louise's familiar spoke up. "**Query: **Could you buy that sword, Master?" Whipping her head around, Louise stared at it, why did her familiar want a rusty sword when it had that `staff of light` weapon? Derflinger was for some reason agreeing, saying something about `finally getting out that hovel`. "Why? Isn't that staff of yours enough`"

"**Statement: **Correct, Master. But it knows things that I want to know. Besides, you could say that I am... sympathetic." Her eyes boggling, Louise asked. "Sympathetic? You?" Lolcron raised its hands in a helpless-looking gesture. "**Statement: **I know, Master. It is a very disturbing sensation."

After a few minutes of bickering she finally parted with 100 gold pieces, letting the two ancient weapons bond on the way back to the Academy.

STORY END

The ending felt a little rushed, but I am largely satisfied with this chapter. Mostly due to the foreshadowing.

Next chapter will come out sometime next week, I won't have access to a computer for a few days so I can't write anything. Will try to make it a long chapter though.

By the way, my only experience with Familiar of Zero is the manga, the TV Tropes article and various fanfics, so I just have to ask: Does the fight with Zombie!Wales actually happen after the meeting with the Water Spirit or later?

Thank you again for all your reviews.


	8. Thief

Today is the one month anniversary of this fic. Yay!

Therefore, this chapter will be a long one.

Disclaimer: I do _**not**_ own Warhammer 40k, Familiar of Zero, or any media associated with the two of them.

STORY START

"So let me get this straight..." Began Derflinger. "You and yours are a race of ancient war machines made before the dawn of mankind to kill all living things in creation?" The sword was currently in a sheath across the golem's back. It called itself `Lolcron` of all things. The little mage, named Louise, rode a short distance in front of them, trying to pretend she wasn't listening in on their conversation.

"**Statement: **Correct, Derflinger." It didn't seem to mind Derflinger's questions, instead it instantly answered them like it thought they were important. Perhaps it thought to jog the sword's memory, but that was an effort that had proven fruitless so far. "More specifically," Lolcron continued. "we were killing them to harvest their souls for our creators."

"Ahhh, yes, those evil, soul eating beings you worship? What did you call them again... the C'tan?" Derflinger shook a little in its sheath, thanking whoever was listening that the girl had this creature under control. "**Statement: **_Worshiped, _I am free now." The `necron`, as it had named its kind, corrected the sword. Tilting its head it asked. "**Query: **How old are you? **Statement: **Where I come from most talking swords have a being of pure magic locked inside of it."

Puffing itself up, as far as a sword could puff itself up anyway, Derflinger proudly decleared that it was six thousand years since it was forged. Which was part of why it felt so unsettled, the sword had never been carried by a being older than itself. It was very surprised when it asked Lolcron exactly how old it was.

The fact that there might be armies of such golems scattered across the world only made it worse.

"**Statement: **I am a few thousand times older than you, but I was asleep for a good part of it." Deciding to drop the subject, Derflinger turned its attention towards that strange staff the necron carried, the `Staff of Light`. It bore some similarities with the halberds the six magic destroying necrons had wielded, but when Derflinger brought it to Lolcron's attention it dismissed the notion, naming the weapons as `Warscythes`.

"Hey, Lolcron?" "**Query: **Yes, Derflinger?" The sword gave the staff a last look before it began its interrogation. "What kind of weapon is that staff anyway? Does it do anything other than cut things?"

Holding the staff so that Derflinger could see it properly, Lolcron explained to it the specifics of the old weapon, closing the little speech with a demonstration of the ranged weapons integrated into it. The necron fired a green bolt of lightning at a tree. The bolt gloriously missed and hit a large pile of rocks on top of the hill behind said tree, causing a massive rockslide. If the sword remembered correctly, wasn't there supposed to be a road there?

"If anyone asks," Said Louise quietly, the girl had halted her horse and was staring at the small natural disaster, the rocks falling out of sight as they completely buried the road beneath the hill. "we were just leaving the city when we heard the noise."

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_The day after_

The day after the students of the Tristain academy of magic were required to keep a two minute silence in honor of Count Mott, who had died in an unfortunate rockslide on his way to the academy.

Documents that were taken from his corpse were given to Old Osmond, the Headmaster of the academy, who was currently holding a meeting with his close friend Professor Colbert. The professor was still talking about the discovery he had made several days ago, the runes on the strange, talking golem the Valliere girl had summoned were most likely the Gandalfr runes.

That in itself was notable, but what worried them most was the fact that with the exception of the runes, not a trace of magic had been found on the golem's body. It had to have some sort of stealth enchantment cast on it, the power required to turn something incorporeal as opposed to merely invisible was enormous, and they had clearly seen the Gramont boy's own golems simply passing through it like it wasn't there.

Even when faced with Colbert's enthusiasm and certainty, Old Osmond had forbidden the faculty of informing the Palace. Those fools would simply throw the thing away in some pointless war without giving the two of them time to study it properly. Which was part of why they held this meeting today. Colbert had found something new to bring to the headmaster's attention.

The professor had scoured the library for anything relating to the strange golem, and had found a book containing a text that claimed to be an excerpt from the journal of a man who had once traveled with Founder Brimir himself. Usually Osmond would have immediately dismissed the text as nonsense, if not for the too accurate description of skeletal metal golems that killed with green lightning. The symbols drawn in the margin were also eerily similar to the sigils scattered across the golem's body. The text also claimed that an army of them existed in the dark beneath the world.

That was the other reason not to inform the Palace. If the royals knew what might be right under their feet, they would ruin the kingdom, both by the cost of needlessly digging it up and through the inevitable panic that would spread at the news. And even that would pale in comparison if they managed to unleash an entire army of those things upon the world, should the text prove itself truthful.

Looking up from the gathered research, Osmond stored that line of thought for later. Turning his attention towards Colbert, he said. "Gather the rest of the faculty after their classes," the Headmaster withdrew the documents recovered from the count's corpse out of his robe. "we have important matters to discuss..."

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_A few days later, Louise's room_

A curious situation was occurring in the room of Louise Francoise le Blanc de la Valliere.

The maid, Siesta, was polishing Lolcron, the necron was derusting Derflinger, and little miss Valliere herself was watching it all from her bed.

Her familiar had procured strange, metal... _beetles_ from its armor, which were currently crawling all over Derflinger and peeling away the rust that covered the sword, which sometimes informed the lot of them that the process `tickled`.

When they were all finished, Lolcron turned towards Louise. "**Query: **Master?" Bringing her attention back to the present, she turned her gaze towards him. "What's the matter, familiar?"

The necron lord gestured towards itself. "**Query: **If we simply could have gotten a member of the staff to polish me, why did we go all the way to the town?"

_Because I didn't think of it_, she thought. Instead she said "I wanted you to be polished by people who knew what they were doing,-" She only had a little money left after that wasted trip to the metalworker, far to little to go there again for the occasion. "-instead of a maid with a rag and a bottle of old silverware polish!"

Lolcron just _had _to look its best. Today was the Familiar Evaluation Fair, and she was required to participate. Not only that, but the Queen and princess Henrietta would be in attendance, her familiar simply had to make a good impression on them!

"**Query: **What is troubling you, Master?" Forcing herself out of her thoughts, Louise spent a moment wondering how the necron knew before she remembered the familiar bond. She spent the next few minutes on a rant about the importance of the Fair and the presence of the royals, however, the rant eventually devolved into a speech that could easily be summed up with the words `poor me, screw the world`.

Her mood did not improve when Lolcron informed her afterward that it would have told her about its self-cleaning capabilities had she told it why they were going to the city beforehand.

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_Outside Louise's room_

The hooded figure made its way through the hallway. It stopped at the door that bore the name Valliere. Casting a spell of unlocking, the figure planned to surprise the occupant of this room.

Which is why that when she burst in, princess Henrietta found herself slammed into a wall, a metal claw around her neck and the blades of a strange, staff-like weapon close to her eyes.

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_Later, Louise's room_

Henrietta massaged her neck as the maid handed her a cup of tea, Louise's familiar golem was... efficient... when it came to intruders. She didn't even have time to cast a spell in her defense before her friend had called her familiar away. It had probably fought nobles before, few mages could cast spells without a chant, and even fewer could chant when someone was choking them.

Having spent the past few minutes assuring Louise that no harm was done, she studied the golem currently standing beside the table as she sipped her tea. According to Louise its name was `Lolcron`, an ancient war golem that, if the six thousand year old talking sword was to be believed, had already been old when Founder Brimir still walked the world.

She had voiced the idea that it might be made by the elves, but Lolcron claimed to not know what an elf even was. Louise had told her the story of the war between the Old Ones and the C'tan, and while the story appeared too ludicrous to be true, it didn't change the fact that there might be more ancient golems like Lolcron hidden in distant corners of the world. And even if the story wasn't true someone had to have made it.

Her train of thought turned to her childhood friend, who seemed to get angrier and angrier as time went on. Had Henrietta offended her somehow?

Louise suddenly slammed her hands down on the table. "Lolcron!" She roared. "Stop pointing that staff at her! She isn't going to attack us!"

Turning, the princess saw that the familiar had that strange staff of its pointed at her, did it have some sort of ranged weapon inside? Was the staff magical? At Louise's order the golem placed the staff in a resting position, instead glaring at her like some sort of pest.

"Sorry, princess." Bowed Louise. "Lolcron can fire bolts of lightning from that staff, even if it is a lousy shot." Addressing her familiar, she ordered it to treat Henrietta with the same respect it treated its master with.

Which was to say, not very much. Its habit of referring to nearly everyone it met as `meatbag` had caused more than one complaint to the faculty or a shouting match with Louise. Both of these had stopped, however, when Lolcron had defeated Guiche de Gramont in a duel, showing just how deadly that staff of its was.

It had even tried to get away with calling her `Princess Meatbag` until Louise had ordered it to refer to Henrietta as `princess`.

At least it had stopped staring at her like she would backstab Louise any moment now.

After talking about the good old times with Louise she bade them farewell, promising not to tell Lolcron's story to anyone after the golem managed to ask somewhat politely. The last thing she heard was her old friend telling the necron to refer to the Queen as `your Highness` before it could get the idea of calling her `Queen Meatbag` into its head.

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_Later, after the Familiar Evaluation Fair_

Smiling, Louise trotted happily away from the stage, a bronze crown on her head. "Sometimes," she said "you make me forget you are an insane mass murderer". Her familiar had won third place, losing to a student that had managed to teach his familiar to properly address royalty and Tabitha's Sylphid. Lolcron might have beaten the first one if it had done anything other than to stand at the stage, polished frame shining in the sun, Derflinger in its left hand and the Staff of Light in the other.

Her mood worsening slightly, she turned towards Lolcron. "Why didn't you do anything? You could have won had you shown them all your tricks!" The necron gave her something that would have been a shudder had it been a human. "**Statement: **I could not help it, Master. I was frozen by the extremely unsettling experience of being surrounded by meatbags."

Growling, Louise forced herself to calm down. She knew that ordering Lolcron to cease with its `meatbag` fixation was a futile effort, it was one of the few orders it simply wouldn't follow.

It wasn't like its quirks were detrimental to its efficiency, but it was still really annoying! At least it had spoken somewhat politely to the Queen when she had handed them the bronze crown.

Her angry internal monologue was interrupted when she saw the massive rock golem that was trying to break down the wall of the academy tower, a hooded figure standing on its shoulder. The thief didn't seem happy to see them, for the golem's fist came flying at her and her familiar at an impossible speed.

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

Lolcron was the first to react. It/he snaked its/his left arm around Louise's waist and tossed her out of the danger zone. Drawing Derflinger, it/he felt the runes on its/his left hand somehow supply the weapon proficiency programs into its/his data-core. Glaring at the oncoming fist, Lolcron made the phylactery scarabs cover Derflinger in a thin coat of necrodermis. Then it/he tried to activate its/his Phase shifter.

Emphasis on `tried`.

**SLAM**

While its/his phylactery repaired its/his crushed right optical sensors and damage to its/his frame, the thief made a move to attack its/his chanting master. Pointing the Staff of Light at the enemy, Lolcron fired several inaccurate blasts at it to serve as a distraction, hoping that the Phase Shifter would actually work this-

**SLAM**

No such luck.

While the necron distracted the thief, Louise had completed her chanting. "_Fireball!_" a piece of the shoulder the thief stood on vanished as the wall behind the golem was destroyed in a massive explosion.

The thief was about to turn the golem around when Lolcron resumed firing, almost hitting the thief. Apparently startled, the thief made the golem throw its fist at the necron again. The sensory data on the rapidly approaching hand of rock was gloriously interrupted by the successful activation of the Phase Shifter.

Perfect.

**SLAM**

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

Fouquet glanced at the gradually growing crater that had formed around the girl's golem, she had to admit it was a masterpiece, not many golems that size could withstand this much punishment and still function nearly perfectly. Time to see if it could survive a third punch.

When her own golem raised its hand she saw the empty crater, where did it go? Did it turn invisible or something? Reaching out with her magic, she determined that it wasn't moving on her golem or the ground around it. Then again, that only meant that it could be holding perfectly still, waiting for her to drop her guard. Seeing something out of the corner of her eyes, she raised the rocky hand over her head as ice bloomed across it, curtsy of a blue-haired girl riding on a dragon.

She turned her attention back to the first girl, who had started chanting again. Fouquet prepared to kill her, the rock golem would have taken critical damage had that explosion actually hit her-

Her train of thought was derailed when the girl's golem _flowed_ out of her own golem's shoulder, sword aiming for her gut. She desperately tried to catch it's legs in a prison of earth, but it simply flowed through them too.

Until the moment right before it would have gutted her, upon which it suddenly stopped and fell flat on its face, its feet caught in the rock. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Fouquet used the precious moments it took the golem to free itself to conjure a wall of stone between her and it and another one to block the incoming ice projectiles before she made her own golem walk towards the breached tower.

She jumped back as the skeletal golem cut the wall apart with its staff, and used a spell that allowed her to swim through rock and dirt to dive into the relative safety of her golem's insides. As she swam through her golem she could feel the thuds of the ice chunks as they impacted against the outer shell of her golem.

She reappeared in the crook of its left arm, almost within reach of the tower when her pursuer almost knocked her over, instead flying past her. Leaping behind it, she barely avoided losing her life as another of those damnable bolts of green lightning erupted from the bottom end of the staff. She dived back into her golem as the other golem lunged for her again, staff and sword in a scissoring position, the strange runes on its left hand blazing.

Crawling out of her golem back where she first stood, Fouquet dodged more ice projectiles before preparing several traps in the form of rocky appendages ready to bludgeon the golem into submission when it chose to reveal itself.

When it finally appeared it managed to destroy several of the offending limbs, once it even took two out at once when it held its staff parallel to the ground between them before firing from both ends. She noted that the temperature seemed to decrease when it fired its weapon, as evidenced by the frost forming around the hilt. That, or some of that other girl's spells had hit it by mistake.

Fouquet felt a small wave of relief hit her when one of the remaining traps finally threw it of the shoulder, relief which was instantly squashed when the golem stabbed its sword into her golem's back, using it as leverage to propel itself into it again.

Readying more traps, she was pleasantly surprised when she could suddenly feel her enemy inside her golem. Was it stuck?

Waiting for a few seconds, Fouquet concluded that it really was stuck inside her golem. She took the opportunity to drive the dragon rider away with a flak screen of pebbles flying at high speed before she began to crush the golem by forcing the rocks around it to push all around it, even if it didn't destroy it the attack might keep it there long enough to-

A faint cry of "_Fireball!_" reached her. She had completely forgotten about the golem's master! The ground under her golem's feet exploded, making it stumble around wildly until it managed to steady itself against the broken tower.

Fouquet would have taken the chance to throw pieces of the tower wall at the girl if the rock under her own feet hadn't also exploded as she narrowly escaped the green lighting coming from below. As it was, however, she steadied herself at the tip of her golem's shoulder, thanking whoever was looking out for her that she hadn't yet been hit by any of those green bolts.

Someone who hated her must have heard her, she mused, because when the dust cleared she found herself face to face with the enemy golem, its staff pointed straight at her.

Her adrenaline-filled mind rapidly considered her options, she could try to attack it. No good, it could fry her or stab her before she could cast anything.

She could dive into her golem, the spell that allowed her to do so was still in effect. No good, it was too fast and too close for her to escape that way.

She could surrender. No good, she doubted the golem could understand the concept of taking prisoners, and it would most likely kill her before she could surrender to its master or the girl on the dragon.

Fouquet grinned at her enemy.

Or, she could...

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

Lolcron glared at the meatbag in front of it/him, it/he finally had her where it/he wanted her. It/he hadn't been this annoyed in a battle since that time when a group of harlequin eldar led by a slann had somehow placed their temple-fortress halfway into the immaterium, leading Lolcron and its/his forces on a merry chase through the temple as they ramdomly teleported, flew and phased.

It/he had to call in its/his pariahs to finally put an end to the frakking meatbags, but they managed to kill half of them. Considering that one couldn't simply repair a killed pariah like one could with all other necron, the loss was rather deeply felt.

Dismissing the memories, Lolcron prepared to fire the Staff of Light into the thieving meatbag's face when it/he began to wonder, why was the meatbag smiling?

Her eyes flickered to her right, giving the necron lord enough of a hint to turn its/his head just in time to meet the oncoming fist with its/his face. The blow not only swatted Lolcron of the giant rock golem, but also tore a good chunk out of its own shoulder, interrupting Louise's third chant as she dived to avoid the earthen bombardment.

Slamming into the ground, Lolcron shakily stood up as its/his phylactery increased its efforts to restore it/him. Stumbling towards its/his master, its/his stride growing surer and surer, the necron was distantly aware that the thief had made her way into the tower.

When it/he finally made its/his way to Louise, the thief was making her way out of the academy, chased by the faculty and the royal guard that had just arrived on the scene. The blue-haired girl, Tabitha and her dragon, Sylphid, landed nearby, making their way towards them.

Lolcron ignored them all. One of the rocks that had been sent flying by that final desperation attack had clipped Louise's head, leaving a nasty-looking gash on her forehead. Picking its/his master up after sheathing Derflinger, Lolcron accessed the maps it/he had made of the academy. Locating the infirmary, it/he-

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

Tabitha led Sylphid towards Louise and her familiar. During the battle she had seen that strange golem pass through solid matter again, playing a deadly game of cat and mouse with the thief around the massive rock golem while she bombarded it with ice.

She had decided to put it to the question, not because of the battle, but because of the conversation (of a sort) it had tried to strike up with Sylphid.

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_Flashback_

_Tabitha was wandering the academy grounds looking for Sylphid. The dragon had wandered off when she was reading, probably looking for food, and hadn't come back._

_Worried, the blue-haired girl rounded a corner, and came upon Louise's familiar talking to Sylphid in several strange languages. One moment a musical, beautiful language, then a guttural one that sounded like less desirable body functions._

_The golem tried several more, and had apparently already tried a few, but gave up after a few minutes._

_After it had left, Tabitha made her way to her dragon, asking her what the golem had wanted with her._

"_Lolcron talked weird to Irukukuu, Big Sister! Kyui, kyui! Irukukuu couldn't understand a thing, kyui! He said the word `C'tan` a lot, Irukukuu!"_

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_Now_

She had almost reached them when the golem picked a bleeding Louise from the ground before vanishing in a green flash of light.

C'tan, Tabitha mused to herself. She would have to make... inquiries.

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

Fouquet had ditched her golem the moment the outran her pursuers, and was now doubling back towards the academy. She was planning to make a list over every known octagonal-class earth mage, _someone _had to have made that golem familiar, and she would find out who.

After all, if it could be made, it could be destroyed.

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

Old Osmond only half-listened to the report from the royal guard in front of him, instead intently studying the spot where the Valliere girl's familiar had stood mere seconds before. He had observed it repair itself as it walked towards its master, and he was still considering the implications of this. If it could teleport, regenerate, and turn itself incorporeal, keeping anyone from disturbing the possible armies sleeping under their feet only became more and more important...

STORY END

Whew! Longest chapter yet!

This has come a lot further than I thought...

BTW. Check out `Herald of the Void` in the Warhammer/Familiar of Zero x-over section if you've got the time.

As for the other necrons, they won't make an appearance before the end of the second season, and the ones Derflinger met are not the only ones in Halkeginia...

Lolcron is the only necron LORD in Halkeginia, though. But this will probably only be brought up in a paragraph in the epilogue.

Also, with the exception of Lolcron's essence of the Nightbringer, none of the C'tan have any idea where the necrons in the zeroverse are, nor do they have any presence there.

For those of you who guessed this fight as the answer to the Phase Shifter question, here's your cookie.

And yes, Lolcron was checking if Sylphid/Irukukuu knew about the Void Dragon

Did anyone spot the Gotrek & Felix reference?

Lastly, does anyone know just what the original Necrontyr looked like?

Thank you again for your reviews.

PS. Forgot to mention it in the last chapter, but we passed 10,000 words. Yay!

PPS. Lolcron will first use a partial, then a full transformation using the essence of the Nightbringer. Guess which fights. (They're seperate fights)

PPPS. I just read the Familiar of Zero article on Tv Tropes, and found out that, according to the novels, the gandalfr runes and those on other human/sentient beings make the familiar rationalize their situation and make up excuses to themselves to stay with their master! I almost got it right, didn't I?


	9. Infirmary

Hello again!

Just to clear things up, Halkeginia is the zeroverse's equivalent of Europe.

Sorry for the long wait, it was supposed to be longer but Persona4 has been eating up a lot of my free time.

Disclaimer: I do _**not**_ own Warhammer 40k, Familiar of Zero, or any media associated with the two of them.

STORY START

_Day after the theft, in the Headmaster's office_

Old Osmond quietly reviewed the documents in his hand, they were reports from Miss Longueville, his commoner secretary, that concerned the thief Fouquet's current possible whereabouts. He had to come up with some kind of plan to recover the stolen Staff of Destruction. On the table was a list of alternatives to reach that goal.

The headmaster carefully considered his options. He couldn't leave the academy himself, Colbert couldn't handle all the fools, both students and faculty, who resided therein. Osmond couldn't send Colbert either, while the man was probably the only sane man (except himself, of course) in the entire bloody school, and he was probably the only reason he hadn't been already overwhelmed by all the fools.

Colbert had grown comfortable with the retired life anyways.

Other reasons he couldn't send any of the teachers was that nearly all of them were either extremely biased towards their respective affinities, inexperienced or cripplingly eccentric. Besides, he did need a few of them here at the academy, ruling out the `human wave` method.

The idea of making the royal guard had been shot down as after yesterday's little... incident, had left the Queen's order the royal guards to only patrol the areas around the academy and other potential targets.

All this led to the current situation, in which Old Osmond found himself searching the student lists for possible candidates to send after Fouquet. This Tabitha girl could prove to be useful, she was a triangle-class wind mage, and also close friends with a triangle-class fire mage, Kirche von Zerbst. Two candidates.

Most of the names on the list were useless, very few students actually had the power, intelligence or mindset needed to survive a battle with Fouquet, much less win. And even fewer already had any real experience with battle, with the exception of the two young ladies already mentioned.

He dismissed Guiche de Gramont from the list of candidates, while smaller golems could defeat a much bigger one through weight of numbers or sufficient skill, eight or nine or ten bronze golems under someone so inexperienced wouldn't do much of a difference. The fact that he wasn't female had of course nothing at all to do with the decision.

But speaking of golems...

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_**The day before**_

_After making sure that the thief Fouquet were pursued by the royal guard, Colbert made his way to the Headmaster, who was just receiving a report from one of the guardsmen. Osmond appeared to be only half-listening to the man, and was instead staring intently at the courtyard._

_As he approached, Colbert glanced over at the courtyard to find out what was so interesting and saw Louise's familiar limp towards its master. It was repairing itself as it neared her, limping steps turned to strides and the crushed right side of its face became whole again. All of it happened in seconds as the metal flowed back into place with the assistance of a swarm of metal beetles that crawled across the damaged areas._

_It carefully picked up its master, and vanished in a flash of green light, leaving the approaching blue-haired girl behind. Worry for his student overwhelmed Colbert's curiosity, the girl seemed to have suffered a head wound, he would have to check up on her later. When curiosity resumed control, however, the fact that the strange golem could teleport hit him._

_He reached Old Osmond and nearly walked past him, lost in his thoughts, before the Headmaster called out to him. The old man must have sent the guardsman on his way, because he stood alone on this section of the wall._

"_Did you see that, Colbert?" asked Osmond, the man gesturing eagerly towards the courtyard. "The talking golem had Fouquet at its mercy before it got blindsided, think about it! If there is an army of golems that can fight somewhat on par with triangle-class mages, we must do our best to ensure that they remain forever burie-_

_The headmaster was interrupted by the sound of screaming from the direction of the water tower. Colbert tilted his head, wasn't the infirmary in the water tower? And the Valliere girl was wounded..._

_Shit._

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

_When they arrived it had devolved into a hostage situation. The corridors leading to the infirmary were filled with guardsmen/women, teachers and the Princess herself._

_The headmaster and the professor were quickly informed of the situation, the golem had suddenly appeared demanding healing for its master, and it hadn't taken the fact that no healers were available lightly. The golem had taken the patients and a member of the royal guard, who just obliviously walked in on the whole thing, hostage inside the infirmary._

_As they made their way towards the Princess they managed to overhear a snippet of conversation between her and a woman obviously from the musketeer corps. "-ill not try to force our way in!" She had her hands on her hips, staring defiantly at the older woman, who gestured at the door to the infirmary. "My lady, it is only one golem in that room, between me and the other two musketeers it would be a simple matter to-"_

"_No!" Shouted princess Henrietta. "That golem is much faster than you, Agnes, and in these cramped quarters its lack of marksmanship will not be much of a handicap. Besides, it could easily harm the hostages before any of you could reach it in time." Before the woman (Agnes was it?) could make her rebuttal the room was silenced by the arrival of the Queen. Flanked by a mix of musketeers and members of the royal guard, of course._

_After Agnes and the faculty informed the Queen of the situation and reassured her that everything was well in hand, everyone turned to the sound of a heavy door slamming shut, the dust was still falling around the infirmary entrance. It took certain people very little time to notice that the princess was missing._

_The musketeer captain was the first to charge the door, closely followed by the rest of the corps, who were in turn outpaced by professor Colbert. The charge would have been a lot more impressive if the door hadn't opened inwards the very moment they would have stormed through it, making them bowl over the unfortunate guardsman who had his hand on the handle._

_Forcing herself out of the fallen pile of bodies, captain Agnes drew her pistol and swiftly scanned the room, her eyes locking onto the Princess. Who was currently chatting with a small, pink-haired girl that lay in an infirmary bed, that big golem from the fair looming over them on the other side of the bed._

_Said golem reacted to her presence first, moving between her pistol and its master, its staff-like weapon held in a ready position. "**Query:**" the thing began, she had heard it talk at the fair, but it still surprised her somewhat to hear a golem talk. "Why is she pointing a weapon at you, Master?" It had turned its head towards the small girl, an impossible hint of... eagerness... in its tone. "**Query: **May I kill her? May I? May-"_

_The girl, Louise if Agnes' memory was correct, pulled out her wand and sent her familiar crashing into a wall with a small explosion. "You are not killing any of the Princess' bodyguards, Lolcron!" The golem simply stood up again, rubble sliding off its completely unharmed armor. "**Statement:** Acknowledged, Master." It looked her up and down. "**Query: **Your name, Meatbag?"_

_Bristling, Agnes introduced herself. "I am Agnes Chevalier de Milan, Captain of thr Tristain musketeer corps and-" It began to ignore her as its master called out for its attention._

"_So..." Said a voice behind her, preventing her from attacking the shiny little bastard. Turning, she saw the kindly professor from before. "I believe the situation is resolved, shall we go?"_

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

The princess had justified her actions to her mother by revealing that Louise had given the golem orders to recognize Henrietta as someone who could give it orders, which let her approach it unharmed to heal her friend. This removed the need for hostages, and it was in the process of shooing the guardsman outside when the cavalry had knocked down the door.

Old Osmond glanced back towards the papers in his hand. Yes, the Valliere girl would be useful. Not just because of her familiar, that crater in the courtyard weren't caused by earth magic, no matter what the deluded little bat Chevreuse told herself (and others).

Handing the list of his chosen candidates to Miss Longueville, Osmond fervently hoped that nothing would screw up the search for the Staff of Destruction.

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

Louise had apologized to the Queen until her throat was sore on behalf of her familiar, despite the older woman's assurances that they couldn't really blame it. It was just a golem, after all. How could it realize that taking hostages to ensure its master's welfare was unnecessary and unacceptable?

Praying that the Queen never learned just how sentient Lolcron really was, she buried herself in her textbook. There had to be some sort of element whose spells consisted of ways to cause massive explosions out there...

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

Lolcron looked up from its/his efforts in staring a hole in the wall of its/his master's room, the girl in question had been fretting over it/him getting her a healer for hours now. The reason why was beyond it/he, its/his actions were perfectly logical considering the situation. It wasn't its/his fault that the meatbags forced it/him into the situation in the first place!

Returning its/his gaze to the wall, Lolcron listened to Derflinger's ramblings as it/he oiled its blade while thinking back to the meatbag it/he encountered in the meatbag repair room.

_**Name:** Agnes._

_**Species: **Meatbag, human female._

_**Rank:** Captain, Tristain musketeer corps._

_**Designation:** Subordinate of Ally: Princess Henrietta._

_**Active threat level:** None._

_**Potential threat level:** Unknown, assume minimal._

If Lolcron had a mouth, it/he would have chuckled. The necron thought back on how the meatbag had stood fearlessly in front of it/him, leveling her primitive projectile weapon at it/him. Bravery born from ignorance, but such bravery staved the Nightbringer off nonetheless.

After finishing with Derflinger a knock on the door resounded around the room, making its/his master distantly order it/him to open it. Outside was a servant with a message from the headmaster...

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

Tabitha was annoyed, she hadn't had the chance to speak with Louise's familiar these last few days, and the waiting was driving her nuts. Not that it showed on the outside, of course. Pushing the mixture of irritation and curiosity aside, she called on Sylphid. It was time to seek out Kirche, only the germanian girl could properly distract her from something like this.

She was about to mount her dragon when someone knocked on her door. Having taken the letter from the nervous servant, she wondered what the headmaster wanted with her...

**/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\\\**

"You would carry me if I was wounded, wouldn't you Flame?" Cooed Kirche to her familiar. The big salamander happily presenting its head so she could scratch its eye ridges. The redhead was a little jealous, Louise's golem could perform much more complex tasks than Flame, and it was both fast and powerful if you judged from its `duel` with Guiche.

On the other hand she wouldn't trade Flame for any familiar in the world, what else could match her so perfectly? Gracefully rising from her bed at the sound of knocking, Kirche walked towards her door. What now?

STORY END

Finally!

This chapter felt much more like filler than anything else...

Anyway, next time's the hunt for Fouquet!

BTW. Something just occurred to me. Lolcron doesn't really have anything that can protect anything other than it/himself from Hennrietta's and Whales' combination spell. Any ideas?


End file.
